Sermons begin with an exhorting mantra, days begin with the sunrise but this diary began with experiences and the need to share same. This is the 15th episode and it is mere coincidence that it has been divinely arranged to make me remember the first time that I became aware of my insecurities and that was at age 15.
Regardless of the beaming achievements, resolute mind for greatness, insatiable desire for success and dogged search for relevance and impact, there always lies beneath that cheerful heart, some moments of pain, hesitation, fear and despair. As much as these moments exist, they confirm your humanity and fuel your drive but often times, people never want to share, in a bid to augment their portfolio of self-achievement; forgetting that when they share, they get to help others identify the fault in their stars and learn therefrom.
I should address one or two readers who have issues with the “grammar” in this diary. One of the ideas at the start up of the diary was not just to share experiences but to also encourage the reading culture, and in the process add to our vocabulary and register. The most valuable tool of a lawyer is Language. His ability to master same and maneuver its malleability in expressing intentions and conveying ideas is what distinguishes one from the other good lawyer. Err, that’s one lesson I learnt from one of my most admired professors and senior advocate Prof. Koyinsola Ajayi (SAN) in those days of Banking and Insurance Law.
Now to the issue of insecurities. They represent the other side of the happy gentleman that you see. For me, it is first with my career as a lawyer. Questions like can I really make impact with the law? What area of law is best to specialize in at such a time as this? How best is it to develop myself as a lawyer? When and how can I become and stay relevant as a Lawyer? Start the thread. A cursory look at the years of call and conferment of Senior Advocate of Nigeria shows that on the average this takes about 15 years.
Most of the “money-reeling” lawyers today started their careers in the 80s and 90s. The necessary expertise needed for successful lawyering is of course not achievable in one year of service to the nation. So how exactly do you stay on the “Right” job learning the practice and for how long? And what exactly is the deciding point that separates the advocates from the solicitors and from the charge-and-bail lawyers? But then again, you have your contemporaries in this microwave age of the Silicon Valley hit and the Wall Street moves and you want to be sure you are even in the right profession.
With the several success and career development programs you attend and personal decisions and delays of pleasure in discipline, there is one thing that seems not too loud in these seminars and workshops or whatever nomenclature they are given to attract young minds: the place of experience, practice and time! So, whilst building that career, it is not bad to have these insecurities that keep you in check as you stay meditating, tweaking your chart and climbing patiently as you hit genius with your hours of consistency and zeal.
As a baeless child, who has stayed so by choice and chance, it is not hard to know that there are those days when you get on the emotional emptiness path. Don’t throw those religious stones of “You are not lonely when you have a sense of purpose with your maker.” Taa! He who has no bae has an emotional vacuum and if you like argue it, that’s your plate of dodo to chow! Man was not made to be alone. So whether it is because bae hasn’t walked by yet or you decide not to have bae for religious and personal reasons (Ibadan girls haven’t tripped me yet), you should be ready to live with the consequent jealousy, inability to do some things and of course psychological imbalance that sometimes come with the status.
For what it is worth this also gives me the prophetic confirmation that my wedding date is soon (Halleluyah). Err, before you start thinking this is an Invitation to treat or Tender Opportunity for bae-ship proposals, you lie. I enjoy the insecurity for now and when bae comes by, amma seize her to the aisle.
This week my boss revealed to me some salient truths after an episode with him. After some series of jokes, questions and answers, he confessed that “You always have an answer for everything.” I would have let it slide but for the fun of it, I asked “So sir, is it a bad thing?” and POW!!! The seminar began. “No it is not, it just sometimes gives you a sense of false confidence.” Truth!
With this confidence I have, it makes me almost infallible in the eyes of people. My audience, friends, acquaintances and associates would naturally feel I can NEVER go wrong. Whilst it can be good because it can cover errors with the ambience that comes with it and charisma that covers it, it can be so bad when the fall occurs because no one expects it and they could not have seen it coming to have averted it with a word of advice.
That’s my world of shortcomings and fears. Just a few that I can share now, but it is good to identify these, evaluate them properly and see how you can start something, stop something, do more of others, and less of others as you manage these insecurities on the streets. Bless!!!
Okezi Uwede-Meshack is a Corper Lawyer presently based in Ibadan.
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